If only you knew

 

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Make a request (or a few more than that) you don't have to like/know them. i just want them to come. pretty please? :)

Unnie you just had to get sick. I hope I didn't catch whatever you have.

ok...so i'll admit i'm only faking happiness. so why am i telling you through this blog? cuz nobody reads it. so i guess it can stay as my personal diary in a sense. but seriously, if i wasn't scared that i would fail, i probably wouldn't be around. i don't want anyone to save me, but somehow i know someone will try. and i don't want that. i'm scared that if i fail i won't wake up to try again. i don't like having to face all this. i don't like having to please everyone. that's all i seem to know how to do. how am i supposed to live for myself when all i ever do is try to please my parents? i don't even know what the fuck i wanna do with this shitty life anymore. i don't even know if being a doctor is what i truly want to do. i'm completely lost. my sense of direction is failing me. and now i feel more miserable than ever before. i wonder why i'm like this sometimes. it's not like my parents are divorced. it's not like i'm dying. although maybe i am. slowly but surely. being put through each and every agonizing day. just putting on a smile for all to see and each and every day slowly losing myself. maybe it's cuz of all these stupid mother fuckin lies that i keep telling. one about a friend. one about a grade. little ones here and there. what i do, who i talk to, who i like. how did it all come down to this? why am i so discontent with everything around me? i've got wonderful friends who would back me up in a heartbeat and parents that will give me almost anything i want or need. maybe it's because of what happened in freshman year. maybe that's it? just using my empty words to give them an empty happiness? i wish i could...just end it all. all this pain inside my heart and all this confusion inside my head. is my life full of lies? is that what it is? sometimes i wonder. and then i get lost inside myself. and then i become even more of a wreck afterwards. i'm sick of pretending. but if i come clean, wouldn't it just make my life worse? i wish i were braver like my friend. at least he's got guts to try. but me, i'm just too damn worried about everyone around me. i'm probably the worst. hopefully nobody reads this. but if you do, hopefully you don't personally know me. well, this is me. this is the true victoria virasy. if i'm gonna do something stupid and life threatening, don't stop me. that's all i ask. i'm out.

i got into treble choir. *(^^)* so now i get to wear a pretty black dress and go on tour over the next summer. arizona! yeah! *play usher's 'yeah' in background* that's like $1000 right there though.... oh well figure out something.... maybe fundraising stuff.... ok now im done.

summer is so effin BORING!! i need something to do. and i do NOT want to read that stupid ap book. i havent even started the 'american born chinese' book. xP so bored... well now you get to hear me bitch bout all this. my grandma's here for a month. :) i got paid.... $50!! XD so now.... idk save up for an ipod or zune.... or a better mp3 than the piece of shit i have now.... summer's being such a drag. dont wanna go to the library.. i want to go to boba cafe. go visit sera and panhia... and then go shopping. i need a new purse. mine is so... i dont like it anymore. i need a bigger one. charlotte russe has some cute ones... well alex found a guy.. happy for her. hope she wins in her wii battle. ^^ speaking of alex... i should call her. there's something i gotta tell her bout val.... so many ppl are moving away... :(. sera might move, der is going to st paul or washington state.... ok random rant done.... i gotta go cook. yet another wonderful point of summer. -_-